A little humor, some helpful hints, interesting tidbits and so on. Watch this page for exciting stuff from our monthly newsletter.
BILL COSBY'S THOUGHTS ABOUT KIDS -
- I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- You know, the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children are the ones who've never had any.
- Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
- Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
- Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their young to come back home.
SOME GEORGE CARLIN LINES -
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they wear night gowns?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia, is that a Phillips Screwdriver?
- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
- If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, isn't a Portuguese person a Portugoose?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
DID YOU EVER WONDER -
- Do you need to use a silencer if you want to shoot a mime?
- You know how most packages say "Open here." What if you
want to open it someplace else?
- Why do they ask you to show your drivers license to buy
liquor when it's illegal to drink and drive?
SELF ANALYSIS
- They told me I'm gullible - and I believed them.
- My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
- I used to be indecisive - now I'm not really sure.
- I had amnesia once - or was it twice?
- They asked me if I had a problem being so ignorant and
apathetic - I told them I don't know and I don't care.
- I left my heart in San Francisco. I don't think I'll go to
Livermore.
- I have both feet planted firmly on the ground. Now I can't
get my pants off.
- Why do I keep thinking that buffalo wings taste like chicken?
- They told me to smile, things could be worse - so I smiled,
and sure enough - things got worse.
- I don't think it's an optical illusion - it just looks like one.
LOOKING FOR A JOB?
In these times of high unemployment there may still be opportunities. These are actual job titles listed in the U.S. Department of Labor Dictionary of Occupational Titles. Really!!
- Bologna Lacer
- Subassembly Assembler
- Automatic Lump Making Machine Tender
- Soiled Linen Distributor
- Fish Flipper
- Animal Impersonator
- Pickle Pumper
- Retort Forker
- Flocculator Operator
- Frickerton Checker
- Dobbyloom Chainpegger
- Slubber Doffer
- Buzzle Buffer
- Blind Hooker
INTERESTING! SOME STATISTICS ON HUMAN BEHAVIOR -
- 69% of us admit to eating the cake and then the frosting.
- 47% of us will drink straight out of the milk carton if nobody is
watching.
- 49% of us believe in ESP
- 53% of us read our horoscopes regularly
- 10% of us say we've seen a ghost
- 57% of us say we've experienced deja-vu
- 71% of us admit to eavesdropping
- 44% of us will tailgate to speed up the person in front of us
- 55% of men and 45% of women talk to their cars
- 32% of men and 16% of women swear at their cars
- 39% of us have peeked into somebody else's medicine cabinet
- 17% of us got caught
10-4 Good Buddy
Remember the CB radio craze in the 1970s? Here are a few of the expressions used then that we still get a kick out of -
- BLACK WATER - Coffee
- GREASY SIDE UP - A vehicle that has rolled over
- FLOP BOX - A motel room
- SALT SHAKER - A snow plow
- RUNNIN' ON RAGS - Driving with bald tires
- SCRUB BRUSH - A street sweeper
- MOTION LOTION - Diesel fuel
- SHOVELIN' COAL - Speeding up
- CHEW-N-CHOKE - A truck stop cafe
- THERMOS BOTTLE - A tanker truck
- WALL TO WALL AND TREE-TOP TALL - Reading you loud and
clear
Farm Wisdom - Some great words of advice.
* Keep all skunks and bankers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* Never corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* Silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Don’t interfere with something that isn’t bothering you.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is to stop
digging.
* Good judgment comes from experience. A lot of experience
comes from bad judgment.
* When you wallow with pigs you’re gonna get dirty.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
| 
